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101 things Not to say during sex
#1. But everybody looks funny naked!
#2. You woke me up for that? #3. Did I mention the video camera? #4. Do you smell something burning? #5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... #6. Try breathing through your nose. #7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! #8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? #9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? #10. But whipped cream makes me break out. #11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today #12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! #13. Can you please pass me the remote control? #14. Do you accept Visa? #15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ #16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. #17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! #18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. #19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? #20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... #21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! #22. Do you get any premium movie channels? #23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! #24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! #25. Got any penicillin? #26. But I just brushed my teeth... #27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! #28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! #29. I want a baby! #30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! #31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? #32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... #33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? #34. I think you have it on backwards. #35. When is this supposed to feel good? #36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! #37. You're good enough to do this for a living! #38. Is that blood on the headboard? #39. Did I remember to take my pill? #40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? #41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... #42. That leak better be from the waterbed! #43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! #44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. #45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? #46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. #47. No, really... I do this part better myself! #48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! #49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. #50. You're almost as good as my ex! #51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? #52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? #53. You look younger than you feel. #54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. # #55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! #56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. #57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... #58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? #59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. #60. What tampon? #61. Have you ever considered liposuction? #62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! #63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? #64. I have a confession... #65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! #66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? #67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? #68. Is that a hanging sculpture? #69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? #70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? #71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! #72. Did you come yet, dear? #73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... #74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! #75. Does this count as a date? #76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! #77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. #78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? #79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?) #80. When would you like to meet my parents? #81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? #82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? #83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. #84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. #85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? #86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? #87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. #88. Sorry but I don't do toes! #89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! #90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! #91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... #92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". #93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! #94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! #95. Is this a sin too? #96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! #97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? #98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... #99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... #100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? #101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? |